FLURO what????

Well here it is, December 2nd.  What's the significance you ask?  I was scheduled for my first gastric lap band fill in over FOUR years. I've been scared silly about this....for fear that I will not be able to eat solid foods again!

For those just now following along, I had gastric lap band surgery in May of 2006.  I drooped 50 pounds instantly; but once my surgeon in KS starting giving me fills I spent the better part of 3 yrs throwing up every meal I attempted.  It was a horrible quality of life.  My band has been drained and dormant in my body ever since.

So today I saw Dr. Scott with My New Self Bariatric in Des Peres, MO.  He chose to do my first band "adjustment" also known as a "fill" under Fluroscopy.  A Fluoroscope is like an x-ray machine which allows "real time" or moving images of the body.  Here's kinda how it went:

My doctor in KS had a machine in his office; but Dr. Scott does not.  He uses the one in the hospital itself.  Therefore, I had to go through the entire hospital registration process.  Once I made it through that maze, I headed down to Radiology.

Thankfully, they do not require gowns or anything fancy for a band fill.  I was able to go into the exam room in my street clothes.  They put me on a table similar to an xray table then cleaned my stomach with alcohol in prep for an injection.  Next they gave me a shot of Lidocaine to numb the area (this was something my doctor in KS never did.......his philosophy was if I'm gonna stick ya it's only gonna be once).  While I never had a problem with they way my former surgeon (Dr. Malley) did fills (other than the fact that I couldn't eat solid food and spent all of my time puking), I have to admit that the Lidocaine was nice.  I didn't even feel the other needle (which is a looooong one) go in.

So after the numbing, they inserted the needle that they were going to administer the saline through.  This is done via my port which is on the mid right section of my abdomen.  When doing a fill under "Fluro" they then raise the table so that I am literally in standing position....while the needle is still in.  They hand me what looks like a small plastic bottle of milk.  It was actually "contrast".  I was told when to drink...and after I'd take a drink, they'd watch the screen to see the contrast/liquid pass through my band.  This helps them determine how tight my band is and what they needed to do to create more restriction (tighten it).

Today they gave me 1 cc of saline and instructed me to remain on a liquid diet all day.  They do this because often after a fill there can be inflammation of the stomach from the reaction..  It's like we poked the bear, so to speak.  And we definitely don't want to piss him off!

So far all I've had today is iced tea.  I'm trying to determine while I'll have for dinner that's liquid.  I do not want to do BAD things like feed the bear ice cream or carbonation, etc.  I'm thinking soup, I mean, what else is there?!

The REAL test will be tomorrow and the days to come.  Typically when you have an adjustment you are instructed to eat like you did post surgery...a gradual system of liquids, then mushy foods, then soft then solids.  As a lap band patient there are many foods I need to avoid as they are not "band friendly".  Mostly, it's things that expand....like bread, pastas, rices.....and things you can't chew down, like steak.

The goal is to eat like 5 oz of protein in VERY tiny pieces and chew till you feel your jaws will fall off so that the food can pass through a dime sized opening at the top of your stomach pouch.

In an ideal world, the lap band will now work for me and I can eat less and lose weight while feeling full.  However, I'm skeptical and afraid based on past experiences.  This entire exercise of filling and trying the band again is pure necessity, though........to prove compliance and gain insurance approval for gastric bypass surgery IF the band does NOT work for me this go round.

So the outcome has yet to be determined......and I'm a little nervous for the ride that I'm about to take; but it's a necessary evil.......if you want to come along, put on your seat belt cos I'm thinking this will be a bit of a roller coaster.

I'll be posting in the days to come to let you know if I am able to handle soft, mushy and solid foods and if there is any weight loss whatsoever.  I'm also looking for a pedometer to track my steps.

Below is a link to a YouTube video of an actual band fill under Fluro.........exactly how mine was conducted earlier today.....in case anyone is curious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuAb1sB-RB0

So buckle up buttercups, we're going for a ride.....................

Yesterday's meeting of the minds!

So, yesterday I had a noon appointment with Dr. Scott for what I thought was going to be my first lap band fill since 2009.  My appointment for October 30th was cancelled due to my 3-4 week illness.

The anxiety that built up in the 24 hours prior to my appointment was off the charts.  I got so worked up with the fear of puking every single bite or meal for another 3 years.  I spent a good amount of time reminding myself that it had to be done, that it would be temporary, that it was a means to an end, etc.  Nothing made me feel better!

I arrived to a standing room only waiting room of strange people.  One lady who looked to be average (versus oversize) who was seated in a chair beside an empty chair.  These chairs are super wide and cater to the clientele that would be typical of a weight loss surgery practice.  As I approach the empty super size chair, she scoots over in hers as far away as she can get.  I'm thinking to myself, "does she think I need my super size chair AND hers to sit down?  Sheesh!"  or "Does she think I smell?  Like what the hell?"

But I sat quietly and remained well over arms length from her so I didn't get my St. Charles smelly ass near her!

My appointment was at noon.  I arrived on time.  I didn't get called back until close to 1 pm.  It's like you have to take the day off anymore to go to the doctor........trying to do it over lunch is near impossible!

When the nurse took my blood pressure it was high....they took it a total of 3 times.  Once it was like 97/110 and I forgot the other times (I've slept since then).

Dr. Scott eventually made his way to the exam room; and we discussed CIGNA's denial and what the next steps needed to be.  Here's what he had to say:

#1....he wants to do my fill under a Fluoroscope machine (similar to an x ray machine).  His reason is that he will have images he can SHOW CIGNA when trying to build my case for Gastric Bypass surgery, making it easier to prove that we're doing all the right things and the lap band is simply not working in my case.  One word:  DOCUMENTATION!!!  I actually prefer this since it's his first time giving me a fill.  I want to be sure he SEES where my port is and injects the saline in the right place.  Unfortunately (unlike my surgeon in KS), he does not have one in his office.  He uses the one in the hospital (his office is in a building beside Des Peres Hospital).  Sooooo.....it had to be scheduled and couldn't be done at the time.

He only does them on Monday mornings, which doesn't leave many options for scheduling.  Next Monday was out of the question as I'll have to take some time away from work on Tuesday for Fox's Autism screening appointment.  So, I scheduled it for the following Monday, Dec. 2nd.  It's embarrassing literally having to tell your boss that EVERY week you're going to be at this doctors or that doctors.  And it seems like I can never just go several weeks without seeing a damned doctor!!!

#2....his goal is to try to prove the need for Bypass surgery and gain CIGNA's approval at the end of 3 months.  This had me relieved because IF I do start puking all my meals again, I don't think I will make it long at all before I say "F this"!  Hoping I can manage as long as it takes to get insurance approval.

#3....one of the other things CIGNA stated in the denial was that I needed to see a nutritionist and have a diet and exercise program and without that, I was "non compliant".  Soooo......for every office visit I make to him, I will now also see the nutritionist.  This is completely fine by me.  And it usually only involves 10 more minutes.

#4....he did say that if I started vomiting my meals, it may involve additional testing of the ph levels and such in my esophagus (again building the case).  When I think about it, it's kind of stupid, cos we're going to spend money (which insurance will end up being billed) to build the case.......whereas if they'd just approved the damned surgery to begin with, the tab would be lower over all.  But what do I know?  I mean, after all I don't have the PhD!  Incidentally, the person at the insurance company denying the surgery IS a physician.

After my visit with Dr. Scott, I met with the nutritionist.  She advised me that I need to be taking iron and calcium and mentioned that as a lap band patient, I could very well have nutritional deficiencies.  No biggie, the hardest part for me is remembering to take them.  I can't take them together, however, as the calcium can reduce the effectiveness of the iron.

She also decided that I should start with a simple walking system....stating that I need a pedometer and to keep a log of my daily steps.  Ok, at this point I'll do whatever it takes to document all I can to get the damned approval!  Now all I need is a pedometer!!!

I'm also going to be keeping a food journal (this ought to be way interesting).  I do think this will be good as I'll be FORCED to look (on paper) at what all stupid crap I shoved in my mouth because I was hurried between conference calls to grab a bite for lunch, or whatever.  Again, whatever it takes to get closer to approval.

So that's my plan...........and it begins today.  I will be able to enjoy Thanksgiving in moderation and then it's ON..........December 2nd, first fill.........details to follow...........

There is no EASY button!

I was talking to my good buddy, Henry Peer last night.  He inquired about the status of my surgery.  A little background on him:  Henry is a former All American in College Football who literally treats his body as a temple, with the exception of drinking!  He has always encouraged me in my weight loss endeavors but has NEVER judged me for being obese.  So he's been following my story and offering to put me through his own little boot camp (which I'm certain would KILL me).  He's always telling me "Reveille is at 4 am"!!!  He runs daily, eats healthily and is as fit as a man can be.

Anyway.........after we hang up it occurs to me that I left everyone hanging.  My last post indicated that I was denied by insurance (covering gastric bypass surgery) and would have my first lap band fill on 9-13-13 (a bad omen in and of itself).

So it seems I have to go back through the trauma of revisiting the lap-band in order to prove that it isn't working for me and I need gastric bypass.  I'm scared at the thought of vomiting every meal for however long the doctor needs to make a point.  But know this is my only savior (or at least I feel like it is); so I'm willing to go through the motions as a means to an end.

As luck would have it, I ended up having to schedule business travel on the 13th (my trip home from Chicago).  So I had to cancel my "fill".  I tried to reschedule; but they were booking into October.  I have business travel EVERY week in October.  The doctor's office was concerned about me getting in a plane and having adverse reactions to the adjustment/fill; so they advised me to wait until I knew I'd be home for a week or two (in case I needed to throw up).  So, I rescheduled my first fill since 2009 for the day after my last partner event in October, which is the 29th.  I literally go the next day, the 30th for my fill.

I will keep everyone updated on how that goes.  Be prepared for the Good, Bad and the Ugly.  Now here's hoping I survive the wicked travel schedule in October with no cardiac episodes!  It's hard to schlep a heavy ass laptop and luggage as I race through airport after airport after airport at this weight.  Not to mention the number it does on my back!!!  But I do love my accumulating airline miles, hotel points and car rental benefits!!!  Plus it's affording Kevin and I a weekend near Anaheim, CA over our anniversary weekend which is NICE!!!

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.  I'll post again after my appointment on the 30th when things will really start to get exciting!

Lori

Round 2- CIGNA 2, Lori 0

I was shocked to pick up the phone today to hear Jennifer's (the insurance coordinator at My New Self Bariatric) voice.  She was cheerful.  I was hoping this meant she had good news for me.  She told me she got a call from the medical director at CIGNA.  Then she dropped the bomb that once again he chose to deny my request for gastric bypass surgery on the grounds that I haven't been "fully compliant" with the medically supervised program.  His concern was that I'd had my band drained in 2010 and that it's been dormant for 3 years before I requested the surgery.

Um........it took me through 2010 to gain all my weight back (and then some) to have the desire to try again.  Then by 2011 I'd lost my job and spent all of 2012 uninsured.  So forgive me Mister Medical Director for not moving according to your plan or expectation!  <yes I'm pissed>

Trying to hold back tears, my first question to Jennifer was, "What now???"

She suggested I revisit the lap band with Dr. Scott, get adjustments and let him monitor my results and go from there.  The thought of puking up every bite I take is so unappealing to me right now I can't even see straight.  BUT I have to "play the game" in order for them to see that it didn't work for me.  Apparently the slew of clinical pages from Dr. Malley's office in Kansas (3 yrs of history) wasn't enough.

Obviously I'm the only one who is going to be beat into submission here.  I made an appointment for Friday, September 13th to have my first lap band adjustment since January 2010.  This should be fun!  I'm hoping we only have to try this for 3 months before we can resubmit for surgery.

I could be completely surprised and discover that with a totally different doctor, perhaps I can find success with the band.  That would be the ideal outcome.  Then I could lose weight and avoid the surgery altogether.  Otherwise, I have no idea how long or how hard I'll have to fight to gain approval.

Until then, it's being more mindful of the quality and quantities of the food choices I make and giving the band one last try.

I'll continue to blog throughout that journey, as well.....documenting the foods and success/failures I have along the way.

For now I can go back to making plans as the surgery doesn't look to be happening in the next few months!  So I'll continue to book accessible seating so I can enjoy a sporting event.  I'll continue to get the extra seat on the airplane when I travel.  I'll continue using seat belt extenders in the car and on planes.

And I'll start trying to move the mountain (150-200 lb weight loss goal) one stone (pound) at a time until I can get an assist.

If I can ever get surgery approved, I'd like to have it by year end. since I've met my deductible for 2013 and for a few other reasons, too.

I feel like the little engine that could.  I think I can..........I think I can....................

Nothing worthwhile was ever easy!

As you may recall, my case was presented to CIGNA by my surgeon's office on August 7th for approval.  CIGNA had 30 days from the 7th of August to make a determination.  Once approval for surgery is obtained, it can take up to 2 weeks to get "in" for the gastric bypass procedure.

That said, I've been very hesitant to commit to much in September.  I was SURE I'd gain approval and go under the knife by the first or second week of the month.

NOT SO MUCH.  Today I got a call from My New Self saying that the paperwork came back from CIGNA and it was a denial!  For some reason that option never really occurred to me.  Needless to say, I'm quite devastated and on the verge of tears as I write.

Jennifer (my insurance coordinator) at MNS did tell me that she thought they were wrong and why.  So she submitted it back to CIGNA for re-review.  Apparently they ruled it an out of compliance issue, as if I had not been compliant with the band.  But she went back and explained and showed them the documentation where the band had failed me, where my body had rejected it by vomiting for 3 years.  They also said they needed a referral from my primary care doctor.  I don't get all this insurance crap, nor do I want to.  But she went on to explain that they are a "Center of Excellence" and do not need that and also some other things she disputed with them.  So we'll see.

For now, all I know is I still don't know whether or not I'll get to have the surgery or when........so I continue to be non committal.  That's not good,  First, my boss wants me to start traveling more.  So I can't just books stuff then have to cancel all those trips.  Secondly, I really wanted to volunteer for some of the benefits that are being hosted for a friend.  They are all coming up the first week or so in September.

What Jennifer did explain is that this isn't the end of the road.  The "war" is not over.  We just lost the first battle.  Next step is to wait for CIGNA's "re-review" determination.  Then IF they deny it all over again, she will have the surgeon do a "peer to peer" with the medical director at CIGNA.  I'm praying she can beat them into submission!!!

Right now I feel like I've been sucker punched; and I'm bummed.  I'm so worn and ragged from all the other battles I deal with on the daily (trying to fight with the bank and short sell my KS home, dealing with complete and utter chaos in the work environment, trying to get a child in to see an Autism specialist, etc) that I don't know how much fight is left in the dog!

Fortunately, for me, I don't have to do head to head battle, Jennifer is representing me.  My job is to kick back and wait.

That's just it.  For a control freak like me, the waiting is always the hardest part.

I'm afraid to ask for your prayers given all those I've requested lately for my aunt and my friend.  So how 'bout sending some good "juje" instead?

I'll keep you posted when I hear more...............Have a great week.

Lori

Clearance, Clarence!

One of the things I failed to mention before is a little thing called co-morbidities.  These are other little health conditions that exists, often as a result of obesity.  The more you have, the better the candidate you are for weight loss surgery.  Some of my mine include:  high blood pressure, chronic back pain, gallbladder disease (mine was removed in 2006), sleep apnea, polycystic ovary syndrome, etc.

As of March, I've been blessed to be insured again.  That said, I've seen a lot of doctors while playing catch up.

I saw the sleep apnea doctor who immediately prescribed an updated study.  So I spent a night at St. Joseph's and discovered that not only did I need a new machine.  But it was also set to DOUBLE the air pressure setting I had been on for years.  NO WONDER I've been so tired.  My energy level has been improved tremendously since then.  Thank you, Dr. Siler!

My goal is to be able to eliminate the need for the CPAP machine AND the blood pressure and possibly even cholesterol medications.

What is Roux En Y Gastric Bypass?

The surgeon sections off a small piece of the upper stomach, a pouch that has a capacity of about a tablespoon. It can stretch comfortably to hold two ounces of food and that amount of food creates a "full stomach" feel. This is the "restrictive" component of gastric bypass surgery.

The "bypass" part of the operation occurs when surgeon, at a point about 18-24 inches below the beginning of the small intestine, divides the intestine. He then moves the lower piece of the small intestine up to connect with the new stomach pouch.  Bypassing most of the original stomach and two to five feet of the small intestine does not cause significant malabsorption of nutrients from food. However, vitamins and iron are taken into the body through this now bypassed first part of the intestine. Therefore, gastric bypass patients must take multivitamins with iron every day.

After the stomach pouch and the stoma, or opening into the intestine, have been created, the upper part of the small intestine is reconnected to the small intestine that receives the food and is going downstream. Why? So the stomach and pancreatic juices and bile salts that normally travel down this upper intestine can be available for processing the food in the intestine.

Now then...........back to JULY!

So on July 12th I made the trek back to Des Peres.  This time for the dietary consult and the psych eval.  I had to take another day off!  My mom has been managing me by seeing to it that I follow up on these appointments.  I thought she retired?  HA HA.  No matter how old you are, I suppose mom's never retire from being moms?!  Anyhooo.....so like a good daughter, I call mom to let her know I've been a good girl and scheduled my follow up (from the endoscopy on 6-12).  And she says to me, "I may be able to drive my van by then" (it had been in need of a minor repair).  I say to her, "well, mom, this appointment won't require me to have someone else drive me home.".  So she reaches to feel needed by saying, "I thought you might like someone to go with you.".  I say, "Well mom, if you want to go, you can go with me........." (not wanting to exclude her).  And she JUMPS on it and replies, "GOOD, cos I have LOTS of questions!".  Mind you, this is the same woman who in 1995 would slip me brochures for breast reduction slipped in with mail or papers she'd hand me from time to time.  When I eventually relented and had that surgery, she has the audacity to tell the surgeon during pre-op, "take it ALL, I don't want her to have to come back and do this again!!!".  She totally gave my boobs away!  WTH?!  What was she going to tell this doctor???  

I took yet another day off for the half day run of appointments:  dietary consultation, follow up appointment and psychiatric evaluation.....and I DREADED them.  I was most wigged out about the psych eval.  I was sure they were going to tell me I was bat shit crazy!!!

Turns out it was a walk in the park.  I appreciated Dr. French's years of practice alongside bariatric physicians.  He walked me through the surgical procedure and was sure to go over the positives and negatives of it.  I learned that the data is starting to come back with regard to lap band surgeries (like I initially had in 2006).  More than half the patients are ending up having them removed after all....due to various reasons.  And based on some of my mom's questions, I learned that with the bypass I can expect to lose about 75-80% of my "excess weight" (the number of pounds I am over weight) in the first year.  For me, that means I should expect to lose 150-160 lbs by the one year mark.  Can't.Even.Imagine.  Then, he says, it may take the next few months to drop the last 20%.

One of the ugliest things I've heard and he reiterated about the post surgery expectations is a little complication called "dumping syndrome".  I've had the whole lap band throwing up.  And I have IBS so I'm used to having to run to the bathroom at times.  But what I didn't expect to hear is that after surgery, due to the way they have to re-reroute your organs, I may not have control of so called syndrome.  In layman's terms that means I can get diarrhea and it can creep up so fast that I may not have any warning or make it to a bathroom.  So expect "accidents".  This WILL happen if I eat things I'm not supposed to eat, like items high in sugar.  LAWD, give me the willpower to avoid such things so I do not have to suffer the embarrassment of shitting myself in public!!!!  This is one thing that scares the living hell out of me.  Other than that, it sounds very much like some side effects of the lap band minus certain food restrictions.  Unlike the band, I'll be able to eat steak again.  But I'll share all those types of details with you as I get underway. 

One thing that the dietitian and the psych doctor asked about was my support system.  Apparently this is PARAMOUNT to success.  I was sure to tell them I had a huge, loving and supportive family and group of friends.  So I am not at all concerned about this. 

Next up, I saw the dietitian.  She asked me some questions and took the time to get familiar with my lifestyle.  This will help her understand what my personal challenges are and how to guide me from there.  Together we made some short and long term goals.  Mine were:

Short Term:

• Substitute one soda per day with iced tea
• Try to eat breakfast at least 3x per week

Long Term:

• To be able to walk a 5k
• To reach a healthy weight

Dietary Guidelines I was given:

• 3 day pre-operative diet
• diet progression:  clear liquids 1 wk post op, full liquids wk 2 post op, soft foods week 3 post op and solid foods by week 4 post op.  YIKES.  I remember I HATED this part after the lap band!!!
• Lifelong supplements:  Multivitamin with Iron
• Calcium with Vitamin D
• B12
• Protein Supplements

Lifestyle & Behavior Modifications:

• Measure portion sizes 1/2-1 cup
• 3 meals per day
• Take 15-20 min to consume a 1/2 cup but no longer than 30 min
• Chew food to a toothpaste consistency
• Do NOT eat and drink at the same time, stop drinking 30 min before meals and wait till 30 min after a meal to drink again
• Choose foods low in fat and sugar
• Limit caffeine
• Limit alcohol
• Avoid carbonated beverages
• Avoid drinking through a straw
• Avoid gulping and guzzling liquids
• Avoid foods that cause gastric disturbances

Exercise:

• Cardio (walking, biking, swimming)
• Muscular strength (free weights, exercise bands, machines)
• Flexibility (stretching, yoga, pilates)

Follow Ups:

• 1 wk post op
• 1 month post op

For now, the good news is that according to all the testing Dr. Scott did, including the endoscopy, he found no reason to be concerned with proceeding with the surgery.  He found nothing on the Endo.  And my blood work showed no enzymes that indicate a predisposition to blood clotting disorders.  My check list was down to ONE last item.....a surgical clearance from my primary care physician/internist.

Last Friday I met with Dr. Murray who gave me the GREEN light for surgery.  It was nice that he already had copies of the results from all the tests Dr. Scott's office had taken.  Dr. Murray simply wanted to run another Thyroid panel, as my levels were still high.  He was referring to my TSH level, Thyroid Stimulating Hormone.  It is high because it has to work over time to keep my thyroid in check.  I have Hypothyroidism.  So I have to be sure to take my meds all week then run up to have another blood draw on Friday.  That will determine whether or not they need to adjust my current thyroid meds.

Ironically, Dr. Scott's office emailed me just today indicating they wanted another panel taken, as well.  At least they are on the same page.  I can just go once and they will share the results.  Once those are in, the next step is for Dr. Scott's office to submit everything to CIGNA for approval.  By law, the insurance company has 30 days to approve or deny.  My doctor's office says Cigna has been running 2 weeks.  Once approval comes in, surgery can typically be scheduled within 2 weeks.

Aside from the last bit of blood work, I'll be working on the list below of "What should I do to get prepared for surgery?"

• Research everything about the surgery:  Support Groups, Twitter, Daily Strength, Obesityhelp, Bariatric Bad Girls Club, Bariatric TV, etc
• Make Weight Loss Friends to get support from those who have been there, done that.
• Add more exercise to your day
• Lose some weight (cut back on simple carbs, up protein, practice post op lifestyle)
• Drink more water!
• Eliminate Soda and Smoking
• Figure out what made you overweight, what your eating issues are, what your trigger foods are, etc
• Take measurements and pictures
• Journal, blog etc..........

Thanks for following along, for ALL the words of encouragement I've already received and always for your friendship.

I look forward to the day I can blog again telling you that insurance has approved me!!!

Lori

Just the Facts, Jack!

First things first....my profile photo is from April 2008.  It was taken at my leanest weight post gastric banding surgery.  I like the thinness of my face; and I've chosen to use this as motivation to get back to that "place".

Many of you may not know, but in order for insurance to cover a surgery such as Roux En Y Gastric Bypass, there is a long check list of things to do and submit for approval.  The list varies by insurance company.  I have CIGNA.  My list looked something like this:

1. Complete Medical/Diet History Questionnaire
2. Obtain a Medical Clearance from my Internist
3. Obtain a Psychological Evaluation
4. Complete a Dietary Consultation
5. Complete a Surgical Consultation
6. Submit a complete Thyroid Blood Panel
7. Undergo an Endoscopy procedure
8. Complete a 3 month multidisciplinary supervised weight loss program

I had my first appointment with Dr. Scott at My New Self Bariatrics on 5-20-13.  On June 12, 2013, I had my Endoscopy, Doppler test and blood work (see post from 6-12-13).

Before I get to July's events, I wanted to just share a few things that I think are noteworthy.  My goal is to be 100% candid about everything along my journey.  I make no apologies for that.  My intention is to give you a peek as to what goes on in my mind and with my body on a daily basis as a result of my current condition (which I accept responsibility for) and during what I hope will soon be a smooth transformation.  It will also contain lists or reminders to myself of what I do and do not want for my future.  Overall, I hope you find it uplifting.

What made me reach the point of desiring change?  Recently I've noticed a severe lack of mobility (see list below).  I also inherited a step son (now 9) with my 2010 marriage.  And I really long to be more active with he and my husband.  I don't want to spend the last half of my life dying.  I want to spend it LIVING!

How has my weight disabled me physically, you ask?

• My back (which was broken in 1985) bothers me more often and more severely
• I cannot stand on my feet for more than 5 or 10 minutes.  If I shop, I end up hovering over the cart for relief.  If I rinse dishes to load the dishwasher, I have to lean on the sink.
• I have to sit on a bed or sofa and lift my leg up on the side to tie my shoes versus being able to simply bend over or lift my leg.  
• I get shortness of breath and can't even walk a mile anymore.
• My knees are shot, I can't bend or kneel on them to garden, etc.
• I'm flat our exhausted after a shower.  My energy is spent.
• Speaking of shower, suffice it to say range of motion is limited, so some areas are harder to reach than if I were a normal weight.
• I have to ask my husband for assistance at times, for things I wish he never had to do for me.
• My poor bikini line hasn't seen the light of day for countless years.  It's been taken over by my thunder thighs.  Let's face it, they'll probably always exist; but it sure would be nice to be able to see it myself for a change!  All joking aside, the stark reality is that with heat and summer, there can be chaffing of the thighs, heat rashes that develop in areas that have friction, etc.  Sorry, but I promised the good, bad AND the ugly on this blog!
• A day of business travel wipes me OUT.  I suffer back pain and shortness of breath just making my way through the average airport with a laptop bag and a purse on me, much less a garment bag and the shuffle from bag claim to the rental car shuttle.
• I have severe edema or swelling of the feet.  It's horrid and UGLY and embarrassing.  My normal feet are quite pretty, although vein-y, and my ankles proportionate.
• Let's just say it can be limiting when trying to share some intimacy with my husband. (I apologize for the visual but it's important that others who struggle find me relatable)
• It means I ask for an extra seat on the airlines so I don't have to worry about making anyone else uncomfortable next to me.
• I have to use a seat belt extender on airplanes and I have one for my car!

What does this mean to me?

• I avoid sporting events (which my husband and I both love) due to the discomfort of stadium seating.  Even if I was able to pry myself in the seats, I'd be sitting all crooked and would end up in severe back pain by the end of the game.
• I wouldn't dream of taking our son to an amusement park due to the walking involved.  Or even the zoo.  This makes me sad.  Once again it's not fair to my husband or son.
• Obviously, there are countless trends, designs, clothing styles I cannot attempt.  WORSE, however, is not being able to put on a cute pair of summer shoes and rock them.  Something about cankles in strappy sandals just isn't cool nor attractive?!
• I volunteer less than I used to.  When I do, I have to ask for "seated positions".  I miss the days of working the walk/run events and cheering runners on at the finish lines.
• My husband has to do the "heavy lifting" around the house because I simply can't.  Even when I want to.
• I rarely even visit the "man cave" that is our finished basement as it's hard to climb stairs without getting winded.

How does this impact me, emotionally???

• Just this year, I've noticed that I feel worse about myself and my appearance than I ever have.  
• I pass up social invitations to have girls weekends or meet new friends simply because I feel like if I no longer like me how will anyone else?  What must they think of me?  So I end up sticking to a very few close friends, my safety net, my comfort zone.  This particularly bothers me, as I don't recall EVER being like this.  And I've battled weight for almost my entire life time. 
• I don't have the amount of intimacy I would like to have with my spouse.  And I often wonder IF and WHY he even finds me attractive.

The mental clutter is hard to explain.  On one hand I look in the mirror on a given day and I think I look polished and presentable.  Then later I may see a photograph of myself taken that same day and all I see is a round individual that looks like a blob.  It's like there is some sort of distortion.

I worry that when I DO lose weight, I will look in the mirror and it will be opposite.  I'll still see the pre-surgery Lori.  And how will I react to this "new" shell if I've only known THIS Lori all my life?!  

In a lot of ways it's scary.  Ironically, nothing about the physical procedure or recuperation intimidates me.  It's the unknown and all the what ifs that concern me.  I'm anxious to discover a leaner Lori; but will I like her?  Will "she" change who I am on the inside today?  Am I up for the mental exercise?  And do I have what it takes to make this surgery a SUCCESS and maintain it?

For those who choose to follow along the journey, I appreciate your comments, encouragement, suggestions, feedback, etc.

As they say, 'Be kind to everyone you meet, for they may also be struggling"............